Moving Past 'Love but Not Affirm': A Better Way to Relate to LGBT Loved Ones

Insights from last week's session.

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If you have family or friends who identify as LGBT, you can probably relate to what last week’s guest, Achieng, shared. Achieng’s brother is a dashing young man—intellectual, thoughtful, and full of life—but he is also gay. The two are incredibly close enough to complete each other’s sentences. However, when it comes to “the whole LGBT thing,” she says: "I feel like this thing is robbing me of my brother."

In another conversation, a man who found out that his close friend was gay mentioned that after this realization, “they just slowly stopped talking despite being close before.”

The church often advises us to "love without affirming." While that sounds solid Christianese, what does it look like in action? What does it mean to love but not affirm?

Parents, for example, are often told to express love for their LGBT children but not support sinful behavior. For instance, if a daughter is dating a woman, it’s seen as unwise to talk about or encourage the relationship, given the belief that it is sinful.

I believed this approach worked, and I gave it as advice—until I came across a video by Becket Cook, an ex-gay man, about a letter his mother wrote to God regarding her gay son. In this emotional letter, the mother said something that completely shifted my perspective.

She wrote, "It’s possible that when each of us really accepts, not just tolerates Becket and his friends, he will turn to the Lord." And sure enough, Becket eventually came to the Lord and left the queer lifestyle.

I now believe that the best way to relate to queer family and friends is to accept them. This means asking about their friendships, following up on their love life, and all the messy parts you don’t like about them. It. It may sound counterintuitive, like supporting sin, but it’s simply sitting with them in their mess, in hope that this genuine expression of love will reflect Christ. How many times has Jesus done that for you, sit with you in your mess?

Short man and his tree.

Jesus did this with Zacchaeus in Luke 19: 1-10. With Zacchaeus, He didn’t shout at the short man to stop sinning then keep walking. Instead, He said, “Zacchaeus, come down immediately. I must stay at your house today.”

Jesus entered his home—a home likely filled with things bought with stolen money. He chose to sit with Zacchaeus in his mess, and in the light of Christ’s presence, Zacchaeus’ heart couldn’t take it anymore. He surrendered his life and promised to make things right. This what John 1:5 talks about, the light that shines in the darkness and the darkness can’t seize it.

Perhaps if we accept our queer loved ones, warts and all. Ask about their relationships and engage with them as we do with others, they will see the light of Christ through us. How will they know Christ if we only choose to love, accept, and talk about the parts of them that we like?

Think about it this way: if you and a friend had regular catch-up meetings, but they wouldn’t let you talk about your partner—someone you love, adore, and live with—you’d probably feel hurt. You likely wouldn’t feel loved.

Now, I’m not saying we should abandon all reason and go around officiating gay weddings. The Bible is clear about the sinfulness of homosexuality, and I expect you to remain firm in this belief, and to express this truth with gentleness and respect. However, if it is God’s kindness that leads us to repentance, then perhaps our kindness—by not excluding or rejecting any part of who they are—might lead them to Christ.

Caleb Kaltenbach, author of Messy Grace: How a Pastor with Gay Parents Learned to Love Others Without Sacrificing Conviction puts it perfectly here.

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But does this include using ‘Preferred Pronouns’ or trans names? We talk about this in the next time.